Grow Write Guild #9: The Weird Al

Here you go folks, the Weird Al Grow Write Guild response. I hope you enjoy singing it as much as I do. :) Sorry, I don't know what is going on with this formatting and I can't seem to fix it. Whatevs. Deal with it!

I'm... I'm so in love with you,

Zucchini and garlic too,
Please grow lush and green...
I love that... you feed me and my family...
And I... want to eat your fruit and taproots too...

Let me say that since, berries,
Since you've been planted
Ooo...
Pruning you forever
Is what I... need...
Let me... be the one to water you...
I'll... always weed all around you...

Ooo onions...
Let's, let's grow together...
Watering in hot weather
Whether it's hot or cold, if there's frost or there's mold...
Ooooo... Oooo... Yeah...
Whether it's hot or cold, if there's frost or there's mold...

Why, some people, why they'd plant flowers
Ohhh, when they could have flours
With the right seeds
I'll... never stop watering you... (I won't, zukey.)
As long as you don't stop feeding me

(Here's what we're gonna do)

Let's, let's grow together
I'll water you in hot weather
Whether it's hot or cold, if there's frost or there's mold... Come on

Let's, let's grow together
I'll fertilize in all weather
Whether there's sun or rain, your pH, I'll maintain
And if you stop feeding me, I'll buy a peach tree

Watermelon, let's, let's grow together
I'll water you in hot weather
Whether it's hot or cold, if there's frost or there's mold
And if you stop feeding me, I'll buy a cherry tree

Raspberries, let's, let's grow together
I'll fertilize in all weather
Whether there's sun or rain, your pH, I'll maintain
And if you stop feeding me, oh berries, don't stop feeding me

Let's, let's grow together
I'll water you in hot weather
Whether it's hot or cold, if there's frost or there's mold
And if you stop feeding me, just don't stop feeding me

{Instrumental (so you can sing along, OBVIOUSLY)}

RANT: Underwear

Okay. Can I share something with you guys? Something that has been really bothering me lately?

Alright.

So, I have a problem with women's underwear.

There. I've said it.

Now, I know you are probably looking at the computer screen right now all squinty-eyed like, "Okay....now where are you going with this, Carlee...."

Okay, so I don't have a problem with ALL women's underwear, just most of them.

My problem is this: I like pretty underwear. Now, I know, I know, we've been fed all this crud by society all about how we women NEED pretty underwear in order to feel pretty, thus we NEED to go out and buy said pretty underwear. Consumerism, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I do. But really, I don't buy clothes, I don't buy "stuff" for the sake of being cool, feeling like I need it to be of worth, so let me have my underwear.

BUT pretty underwear in the past 10 years has gone down hill, and, ahem, up butt. My problem is that pretty underwear is now made on the cheap: less material, less elastic (sometimes no elastic!), and hence, it has a tendency to travel up the rear and give you a major wedgie. Okay, give me a major wedgie. And I hate it.

I AM BLOODY WELL SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING A WEDGIE!

There. I got it off my chest.

Seriously, though. How does the industry expect us to wear this:

...and not get a wedgie? I mean, do you know anyone who could fit an entire bum cheek into that back portion and have their bum fully covered?

No? You mean you don't know anyone who have triangle shaped cheeks and thighs that leave their body at a forty five degree angle?

Really?

Yeah. That's what I thought. And that black stuff probably isn't even elastic.

I mean, check out this chick at this link (I promise it's safe, just Victoria's Secret).

I mean, one third of her bum is covered, one third is hanging out, and the last third is photo shopped out. You know that as soon as she moves, she might as well have worn a thong.

Now, check these out from etsy user EgrettaGarzetta:

Full. Butt. Coverage.

And check these ones out from ohhhlulu:

Gorgeous, non?

See that gray stuff around the leg holes that is creating gentle ruching? Yeah, that means that there is elastic there.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?

Part of me really wants to complain that the mainstream fashion industry cannot give us pretty underwear that actually covers my whole bum, that we shouldn't have to go searching online for underwear that does not wedgie. But, part of me is telling that other part of me that, really, I should not be in the least surprised, and really, it is probably a good thing that if I want quality underwear, I need to start going to support the little guy, and not slave labour.

Okay. One last mention. I know some of you might be thinking: "Dude! What about the Amerson? You sew, so like, duh!"

Alright, I know, I know. It has been saved to my desktop for some time now. But I have a quilt to make (still), and a dress to make, and curtains to make, all of which seem more pressing at the moment. And I've never sewn with stretchy fabrics. So there's that hurdle too. I'll get there soon, just not now.

Until then, I will purchase a bum covering, but very plain pair of undies, save up for some pretty ones (Ohhhlulu, I'm looking at you.), and learn how to make them myself once and for all.

And, oh yeah. Sorry about all the yelling. :)

I hope you have a wedgie-free week.

What are your feelings on undies? Do you have wedgie-rage too?

{HAHAHA what a terrible song.}

Grow Write Guild Prompt #4: Inspiration and Influence

Dear Ms. Trail, Mr. Beavan, and Mr. Suzuki,

I am writing this letter to you to let you know that you are all in some way responsible for my love of gardening.

I'm not quite sure which started first, my environmentalism or my love of gardening. I know that when I was told I was likely allergic to milk products, I started to read all my food labels. When I saw how many weird ingredients were in processed foods, I started to become curious and I researched all the weird and terrible things that were lurking in our food. I believe that this was the start of my interest in doing good by Mother Nature both by being green and by having a green thumb.

Although I had a tendency to kill any plant that lived inside the house, I seemed to have a knack for plants grown outdoors. Knowing my interest in all things being practical, it is easy to see how I fell for growing food.

Ms. Trail, it was around this time that you became an inspiration. As you put it, gardening to this point, was more or less for old retired ladies who had lots of dispensable income, and let's face it, your book made gardening seem so darn cool. You talked about all the different and rare varieties of food that I couldn't resist but grow. Let's not forget that you hail from Toronto! Canadian to boot. And from that first seed package, I knew that I'd be interested in your garden musings for a long time to come.

Mr. Suzuki, it was also around this time that I was influenced heavily by you. Again, you are another Canuck, and that is awesome. Your passion for the environment makes me want to constantly strive to make this world a safer and healthier place. If I can contribute by making one less trip to the grocery store, if I can eat a zero-mile meal more often, then I'd sleep a little easier at night. Let's not forget the David Suzuki digs my garden contest that I was chosen to be a part of! Too bad I didn't win that awesome gnome made in your likeness.

Mr. Beavan, my gardening love affair with you stems from the same place as my love affair with Mr. Suzuki, but I happened upon you much later in life. Bored and living in Northern Canada in the middle of nowhere, I purchased Netflix and watched your documentary, No Impact Man. It quickly became one of my favourite films. I was inspired by the journey you and your family took in order to make "no negative impact on the earth". I feel like my gardening is part of my effort to strive towards the same ideal.

So I just wanted to say thank you all for inspiring and influencing me to grow a better garden and be a better person!

Warm regards,

Carlee

{Hola}

Grow Write Guild Prompt #7: In Bloom

Wait...what?! Number seven? What happened to numbers four, five, and six (and eight and nine)? Well, I'll get there, but I just figure that I might as well start here and then do some catching up. It'll make me feel better doing it this way. Just........don't ask. I'm weird like that. :)

So there are a couple of plants that are currently in bloom out in my garden, but I know which one I would like to write about.

Quite a few years ago when I first started gardening, I was reading Gayla's You Grow Girl and found that a certain plant was mentioned over and over again as being beneficial for gardens. It not only enhanced the flavour of herbs, but it also attracted beneficial insects to the garden. So when I bought my first round of seeds, I made sure to pick up some Yarrow seeds as well.

I  planted that sucker and out it went. I don't really remember much from it that first year, but when we moved the following summer, I remember transplanting it into the new garden. I recall getting excited the first time it bloomed, it was placed by the cauliflower and broccoli, both of which never flowered before winter. We left it there, Trevor and I, when we left to live in England and Quebec, and it was rather small when we left it. We had come back and found that the whole garden plot had been mowed over. No joke. And then we came back a little later, really, like a month later and BOOM. Tons of leafy green foliage all feathered about. And it spread too! So we yanked those suckers out and transplanted them into our flower garden (The garden that I don't feel comfortable growing food in because I keep finding rusty nails in? Yeah...).

Now they are taking off in there.

I've even bought another yarrow to add because I like it so much.

I never really thought that flower gardening was my thing. I mean, they're not really useful, now are they? But, besides the obvious fact that they attract good bugs to help eat all the nasties off my precious food plants, these flowering plants have a calming effect. Especially yarrow because the leaves feel lovely. They are all soft and feathery. So all in all, I'm pretty happy that I bought the seeds, seeing my yarrow come back every year puts a smile on my face.

Have a great week everyone!

{BUST IT}